


A Naive Devil’s Thesis

by HEYYOUGUYSREMEMBERREDMAN



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Redman (TV)
Genre: Gen, I’m gonna add tags I just don’t really know which ones I need yet.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:29:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28703691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEYYOUGUYSREMEMBERREDMAN/pseuds/HEYYOUGUYSREMEMBERREDMAN
Summary: Redman is a Hero.Heroes fight Monsters.Angels are Monsters.Evangelions are ??????Humanity is Confused.





	A Naive Devil’s Thesis

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hope you guys like this. I’m hoping to tell this story up until where End Of Evangelion is in the timeline. I don’t know enough about Rebuild to tell what’d work for that is all... sorry. Also, kinda obligatory, but I don’t own Evangelion or Redman.

-R-R-R-  
If the fate of humanity was not at stake, then the battle that was raging would have looked utterly ridiculous. Well, it was still ridiculous nonetheless. As the Third Angel Sachiel walked calmly in the direction of Tokyo-3, towards its objective, bombardments from the full might of the United Nations’ artilleries blasted uselessly against its AT Field.  
If Sachiel didn’t look like a lanky green monster with a little bone mask for a face, it would have been at least a little less embarrassing for humanity’s best and brightest as their efforts seemed to amount to less than nothing. Nevertheless, as Sachiel swiped its claw, tearing through another UN VTOL Aircraft, it continued its journey, expecting little resistance with the limited cognitive ability it had. But suddenly, the Angel stopped, its path blocked by a newer interloper. One that, to Sachiel’s surprise, seemed to be standing on two legs.  
-R-R-R-  
It’s hard to expect much from a man whose only attempt to communicate was a letter. Especially when its contents were solely comprised of the word “Come.” Shinji Ikari certainly didn’t expect his father to suddenly appear with a big smile on his face with only words of praise and apologies for their time apart, after all.  
Well, he did hope that would happen, but he wasn’t stupid.  
Still, the almost desolate surrounding as he left the train station made him uneasy. Even if he was uncomfortable around strangers, he still expected at least a few random passengers or pedestrians. But the order to evacuate he had heard over the city’s PA system had almost certainly squashed any chances of anyone besides the woman who was to pick him up appearing around him.  
Which was why when he got almost tackled by a man in a police uniform, he was very surprised.  
“It’s you, it’s really you! Oh my gosh, I’ve missed you so much! Don’t worry though, big bro’s here!” The tackle was apparently a precursor to a hug as Shinji was spun around by the oddly happy man.  
Shinji sputtered “W-What do you mean? I-I’ve never even seen you before. And, well...” as the man’s twirling hug slowed to a simple standing hug.  
Though uncomfortable with pointing it out, Shinji was fully aware of how different the two looked. For example, the man’s hair was unmistakably black, while Shinji’s was brown. The man’s eyes were black as well, contrasting Shinji’s blue ones. And even though both looked to be of Asian descent, their faces had clear differences that made their lack of a direct relation apparent to anyone who examined them.  
The man released Shinji and said “Huh? Don’t be silly! It’s you! Again, after... huh. I don’t remember how long it’s been. Weird.” Suddenly the man’s good mood seemed to be overshadowed by confusion.  
“No, I don’t think we’ve met. I don’t even know your name.” Shinji clarified, as he finally got a good look at the man.  
His police uniform stood out within moments, but what Shinji hadn’t noticed right away was how small it seemed to be on the man’s large frame. His pants only went down to a few centimeters above his ankles, and the shirt was straining as the front buttons stretched to keep the uniform closed. He had to have been 180 centimeters tall, at least, yet he had clothes for someone almost a head shorter.  
If that wasn’t odd enough, the man’s black hair was very long, as was his beard. It made Shinji think of some shut-in who couldn’t get a job, much less a member of the police force.  
The man laughed “Well that’s weird, cause I know your name! It’s...” but as the last words left his mouth, his face suddenly got a lot more sullen.  
Tears started to stream down his face. “I... I can’t remember your name...? But, I care about you so much! Come to think of it, I can’t remember anything! Oh jeez, what am I gonna do!?” Before long the man was loudly sobbing, his head in his hands as he fell to the ground.  
Shinji was instantly uncomfortable. He hadn’t experienced other people crying all that often, much less an adult that seemed to cry with absolutely no shame. Desperate to stop the sudden display of emotion in front of him, he shouted “H-Hey, uh, it’s okay, um, my name is Shinji! Ikari Shinji! Now, will you please stop crying...?”  
This seemed to placate the man. “Your name’s... Shinji-Ikari-Shinji?”  
“Uh... no. It’s just Ikari Shinji. My parents named me Shinji, and my family name is Ikari, so my name’s Ikari Shinji.”  
“Oh. Well even if I can’t remember that much, I can tell I should introduce myself since you did. My name is...” the man began, before his face suddenly scrunched up in thought.  
He stepped towards a nearby window as he mumbled “What was my name again...? I know who I am, but my name... hm...”  
Then, without a word of warning he bit down on the tip of his finger, covering both his mouth and hand in sudden spurts of blood. Unheeded by Shinji’s shocked gasp, he started to draw three symbols on the window in front of him.  
Namely, “赤色 男”.  
“Okay, so the kanji are right, I know that, but the readings... There’s a few different ones for for all of these, but for my name... Seki... Shoku... Dan...?”  
The man turned to Shinji, saying “My name is Sekishoku Dan! I guess since we didn’t know each other, I should ask this. Wanna be friends?” as he held out an expectant hand, waiting for a handshake.  
Suddenly, Shinji was acutely aware of an earlier stain on the man’s, rather Dan’s collar. It was a deep red, but it looked like it had already dried some time ago.  
It reminded him of blood.  
Unsettled, Shinji’s eyes kept darting between Dan’s hand and his face. “Huh? Oh, my hand! Sorry, guess it’s a little dirty! Do you not want to be friends anymore?” Dan asked as he held out his left hand instead.  
Shinji was many somewhat deplorable things, according to himself, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew not to make someone angry if they could easily hurt you. So he gingerly shook Dan’s left hand as he stuttered “N-No, it’s fine. I’ll b-be your... friend.”  
“Oh man, thanks! I knew I had a good feeling about you! Where you headed?”  
“Um... I was gonna be picked up by this woman.” Shinji held out the photo he had received in the mail. Pictured was a very attractive woman in a yellow top and denim shorts posed in a way that put an emphasis on the space between her breasts. “She was supposed to come to the train station, but that was hours ago. I was gonna go to a phone to call and ask where she was.”  
“Cool! I’ll come with you! You never know what weirdos might be prowling around, right?”  
“... yeah.”  
“Luckily I’m pretty tough, if I do say so myself. Why just a little while ago, I woke up in this alleyway a few blocks from here!”  
“... uh huh?”  
“Yeah, and this guy came over and started shouting something about ‘It’s an emergency, get to a shelter,’ and ‘Put some clothes on, you’re naked,’ just some weird stuff to say out of nowhere, right?”  
“... uh huh...” Shinji started gripping his bag’s strap tighter.  
“And this weird guy just wouldn’t calm down. So I, you know, started punching him in the head. And when he stopped moving, I saw that the guy was right about the whole ‘me being naked’ thing. So I took his clothes, since he asked me to put some on, and I started walking around looking for one of those shelters he said I had to be in, when I saw you! Then we became friends, and here we are! Cool story, right?”  
“You know, I should really be getting to the phone, I bet that lady from the picture’s real worried!” Shinji started walking faster, and Dan quickened his pace to match. “Oh, yeah, good point! Man, you’re so smart, Shinji! I’m glad we’re friends!”  
-R-R-R-  
“Wait, the number didn’t work?”  
“No, some answering machine said they weren’t taking calls cause it was a state of emergency. Guess we better find a shelter...” Shinji explained as he set the phone back on the receiver, not at all happy at the prospect of spending more time with the possibly crazy “policeman” who was apparently his new best friend.  
“Geez, that stinks. You think that nice lady’ll still come get you? I hope she’s tough like I am, I’d hate for you to get hurt if someone atta...” he drifted off, as his face suddenly paled, his expression turning disturbingly blank.  
“Uh... w-what’re you looking a-OH JEEZ!” It turned out that a giant monster was in the city, surrounded by flying military vehicles. And standing in front of it was an... odd thing.  
A car suddenly stopped next to Shinji, the window rolled down to show the same purple-haired woman from the photo. “Hey, Shinji, right? Come on, we have to lea-“  
She was cut off as within seconds the kid was already sitting in the car, buckled in, saying “Drive! Now!”  
“Uh... what about that guy?” She pointed to Dan.  
“He attacked a policeman and stole his uniform, he’s bad news!”  
With that, the car sped off in the other direction as Dan started to mutter “Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, ki-”  
The odd man’s mutters repeated endlessly as he stared at the green monster, as well as the red being he knew would answer his pleas.  
-R-R-R-  
A quiet disbelief reigned over the occupants of Tokyo-3’s war room. Finally, one of the three representatives of the UN asked “How did that... thing... get so close to the Angel?” pointing at the large screen showing the scene around the Third Angel’s attack.  
An equally dumbfounded Hyuuga Makoto, one of NERV’s three main computer technicians, answered “The entity seems to have... teleported somehow. One instant it wasn’t there, then it just... appeared. The exact instance wasn’t recorded on any of our machines.” It was clear that the strangeness of the situation was getting to almost everyone.  
Another of the representatives sighed “Well, what do your sensors have on the thing? Is it an Angel too? What’s the... what was it, Blood Pattern! What Blood Pattern does it have?” He was projecting an air of disinterest, but sweated at the implications of two Angels appearing just as much as the others in the command center.  
The second of NERV’s computer technicians, Ibuki Maya was more astounded than anything. “I-It... It doesn’t h-have one...? The M-MAGI’s coming up with nothing, but if it’s alive it should have a wavelength to analyze!” she replied, trying to make sense of the information on her screen.  
Seemingly the only one not overly bothered by the recent turn of events, Aoba Shigeru, third computer technician of NERV, muttered “Maybe it’s got a wavelength we can’t pick up? I wouldn’t peg it as an Angel anyways, given its size.”  
It’s worth mentioning that Sachiel is roughly 80 meters tall. For an idea of what that means, the average height of a person is roughly 1.6 meters. In essence, the Angel was around 50 times the size of a regular person.  
But this figure that appeared in front of the Angel was somewhere around 43 meters tall, according to their field agents’ reports and judging from the footage they could see of the scene itself. Barely more than half the Angel’s size. It was still larger than the average opposition, but it still was an odd image, like a child trying to fight a grown adult. And that was after having appeared out of thin air with no clear indication or notification.  
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the strange entity shouted a very particular phrase as it stood to oppose the Angel, despite not moving the lips it appeared to have.  
“RED FIGHT!”  
-R-R-R-  
The being facing Sachiel was largely red and silver. Its torso and legs were red, with a silver belt, gloves, and boots. Its head was silver, with both noticeable lips and a red protrusion on top that pointed forward and swept up in a way that suggested both a nose and a prominent brow. On the side of the being’s head were two antenna that pointed up at an angle where ears would be, as well as two bulbous solid yellow eyes.  
If the Angel had a capacity for intelligent thought or speech, it would have said to itself something like “Really? This is what’s standing in my way? I mean, I’m just disappointed that this is all they have to stop me.”  
But as it was a largely mindless monster, after the initial moment of surprise, Sachiel raised one of its arms in preparation for an attack that would be sure to make quick work of its small yet extremely red enemy.  
As the hand slammed down, the red being quickly sidestepped out of the way of the blow, before quickly making its own attack.  
“RED CHOP!”  
The smaller being’s hand smashed into the Sachiel’s leg, easily tearing through the monster’s flesh and bone and almost severing the limb itself as the Angel stumbled. This was unexpected because of roughly three different things.  
The first of which was because of the red attacker’s size; something as small as it couldn’t possibly do any serious damage to something as big as an Angel normally.  
The second was the red attacker’s movements; to any skilled fighter it was obvious that the being’s understanding of hand-to-hand fighting was fundamentally flawed, with its amateurish stance coupled with the stunted motions it made to carry out the attack. It was like a child’s idea of how an attack looked.  
And the third, very simply, was that when the red being made its attack the Angel’s AT field appeared to stop it.  
And the blow tore through it like tissue paper.  
-R-R-R-  
“Are you kidding me!?”  
“What the hell was that!?”  
“How’d that hit the damn thing when our weapons couldn’t even scratch it!?”  
“Is it some Anti-Angel weapon!?”  
“Ikari, if you deployed that robot of yours against orders, I swear I’ll-!”  
“That isn’t an Evangelion.” Ikari Gendo stated plainly, his hands not moving an inch from their position in front of his face as he leaned on the deck in front of him. His sunglasses had a menacing glare as the room’s lights reflected off of their lenses.  
He continued “The Evangelion would be about the same size as that Angel, not the stature of that red thing. Not only that, but the Eva can’t instantly teleport. Whatever it is, NERV isn’t responsible for it.”  
Fuyutsuki Kozo leaned over towards Gendo and whispered “I don’t remember the Dead Sea Scrolls predicting a being like that opposing the Angels. Is that going to be an issue for us?”  
Unfettered, Gendo replied “Whether an Evangelion or a red superhero defeats the Angels makes no difference. The Scenario won’t be interrupted.”  
As the room descended into a frenzied state, with both NERV and UN staff trying to keep track of the baffling events of the battle at hand, Fuyutsuki wondered whether that thought should comfort him or not.  
-R-R-R-  
The Angel’s annoyingly red enemy kept up its assault. Even though the Angel was regenerating from the chop to the leg, the red being grabbed the hand Sachiel was using to keep itself standing while it was down a leg and with a motion like someone’s rough imagination of what Judo looked like threw the Angel onto its back. It would’ve been hard to believe the Angel didn’t let itself get thrown if it’s grabbed arm didn’t get torn off midway through the throw itself.  
It didn’t stop there, though. The red being jumped up onto Sachiel’s torso as it impacted onto the ground, grabbed the Angel’s bone mask, and started relentlessly punching it. It didn’t stop, even as the Angel’s azure blood started to cover the small fighter’s gloved fist.  
Eventually, as the Angel’s body finished recovering, it grabbed its red opponent with its newly regenerated arm and threw it off, sending it crashing through building after building. Before long, the Angel was engaged in a reverse of the previous set of blows, as it knelt over the red being and started to pummel it with the spikes contained in its forearms, the spikes glowing as they were repeatedly launched out to strike the red entity.  
As the charged attacks impacted against the red being’s head and torso, its arms started flailing around, overwhelmed by the pain of the blows it was forced to endure. But, eventually, the red entity kicked at Sachiel. Amazingly, it didn’t even seem to be a particularly strong kick, barely even connecting with the Angel’s body, but it still launched the Angel off from the red being.  
Instantly, the red fighter leapt up to its feet, and shouted once more.  
“RED ARROW!”  
A red javelin appeared in the small fighter’s hands, about as tall as the being itself, with a silver cross attached to the end that wasn’t at a needle-point. Once it appeared, the red being threw its new weapon in the direction of Sachiel. Almost as soon as the Angel fell back on the ground, the javelin pierced through both its hurriedly summoned AT Field and its core, making it shudder as it felt its life beginning to end.  
This didn’t seem to satisfy the red being, as it then walked over to the downed Sachiel, wrenched the javelin from the body, and began stabbing the weapon into the Angel’s bright red core.  
As cracks started to cover the surface, and the Angel started struggling from its last vestiges of life being forcefully taken, the red fighter mercilessly stabbed it again and again, sometimes only stabbing the flesh around the core, but never relenting or stopping its attack.  
Suddenly, a towering explosion shaped like a cross engulfed the body, almost like it was triggered by one of the red entity’s myriad pierces.  
As the smoke cleared, the red being rose up from the wreckage, held up its right hand to the sky for a few seconds, then walked away, leaving its weapon stabbed into the ground where the Angel’s ashes lay.  
-R-R-R-  
As the reality of what they had just witnessed started to settle in, one of the UN representatives asked “Did... did we win?”  
Fuyutsuki replied “The red one won, no doubt about it.” Soon, the representatives started talking amongst themselves.  
“Amazing, and at such a small size too!”  
“Is it on our side?”  
“It beat the Angel, didn’t it?”  
“Yeah, after stabbing it until literally nothing remained. Whatever it is, it’s clearly dangerous.”  
“Could we even do anything to it if we had to fight it? Even if it was trying to kill us?”  
“Honestly, I’m a little scared to see what that thing would do to our troops if it could kill the Angel that ruthlessly. It’s like it had nothing in mind besides just... hurting. It’s a little unsettling to think about.”  
Never one to let a good chance slip by though, Gendo rose from his seat, declaring “If the UN isn’t confident that they can defend against the red fighter in the event it turns on us, NERV would be more than happy to act as the last line of defense for humanity. This would require the UN to relinquish all responsibility for the eradication of the Angels to NERV, of course.”  
Sweating, one of the representatives asked “Are you seriously suggesting your little robot could fight not only the Angels, but that... red thing, and actually win?”  
Gendo just adjusted his sunglasses with a gloved hand, undeterred. “Defending humanity’s future is the point of NERV. If we can’t do that, we would be doomed even if our enemy were the Angels alone.”  
Grumbling, the representatives all whispered amongst each other, before stating, almost as if to serve as an entry in some official record “The UN shall transfer the responsibility of defeating the Angels, as well as the Red Entity, to NERV.”  
“Good.” Gendo returned to his seat, and once again assumed his usual vaguely threatening position of “hands crossed over his face such that only his glasses are visible.”  
Fuyutsuki glanced over to Gendo. “While I applaud your quick thinking, I can’t help wondering what the committee will think of this development. We were supposed to defeat the Angel with Unit-01, after all.”  
“It makes no difference. The end result was the same. The old men shouldn’t have any cause for concern.”  
-R-R-R-  
“We’re very concerned, Ikari.” A blue-tinted pointy-nosed man stated.  
Gendo’s face twitched into a scowl for a split second behind his gloved hands. Four of the five colored holograms in the shape of men in front of him had the sneers of superiority that were characteristic of the Human Instrumentality Committee. “Is the cause of this concern reports of the red entity who killed the Third Angel?” Gendo inquired, keeping his ire at Fuyutsuki’s words coming true as separated from his words as possible.  
The lantern-jawed red hologram scoffed “That’s putting it lightly. While the scenario only required the Angel’s defeat, the finer details of that defeat will be a problem in the future.”  
“Indeed, seeing as Unit-01 wasn’t the cause. The public has no reason to rely on NERV’s ‘Ultimate Weapon’, without a demonstration of its power. They would sooner leave their hopes with that red thing, if we allowed them to know it existed.” The bespectacled yellow hologram agreed.  
Beneath the glare that lit Gendo’s glasses, his eyes narrowed. “Then we present a constructed narrative of the Eva’s victory to the media. I understand that was the original plan, regardless of the red being’s appearance.”  
“And that plan accounted for parts of the true narrative being leaked, allowing knowledge of the Evangelion’s power to subtly spread through the public’s consciousness. That would have resulted in a larger amount of faith in NERV’s capabilities, and thus more support and discretion would be approved by world governments on NERV’s behalf. But with no real sortie against an enemy, there isn’t any proof that the Evangelion can be relied upon.” The mustachioed green hologram summarized.  
Gendo’s posture remained unchanged. “Then I suppose the moles this organization has already placed in the UN’s military forces shall have to ‘leak’ a false narrative themselves. A change to the scenario, but so small that it‘s negligible.”  
The colored figures were similarly unchanged by his words. “Just keep in mind how close you are to failing us, Ikari. There are always more candidates for your position that would be just as useful as yourself.” the blue figure concluded, as the colored figures’ projections ceased. Now there was only Keel Lorenz.  
His visored face was still in the same grimace it had taken up since the start of the meeting. “Of course, he’s exaggerating. Your alternatives only exceed you in fanatical devotion. Nevertheless, the eleventh hour is soon upon us. If you are unable to keep the integrity of the Scenario in the midst of this red intruder, humanity is doomed to a dead end. Never forget this. Am I clear, Ikari?”  
“Of course, sir. No one recognizes the importance of the Scenario more than myself.” Despite his seemingly genuine words, Gendo’s posture remained unchanged. With that, though, the holographic image of Keel disappeared.  
As he exited the conference room, Gendo was met by Fuyutsuki, with a dense stack of papers that he held out expectantly. “What are these?” Gendo asked, grabbing the stack and skimming through the contents.  
“Reports from the Section Two agents in charge of surveilling your son, specifically reports from the short period of time between his arrival by train and his retrieval by Captain Katsuragi.” Fuyutsuki dryly explained.  
As Gendo read more and more, his face tightened. “Why is there no information on this man?” he asked, holding up a grainy photograph taken by a nearby security camera. It showed a man who had just written “Sekishoku Dan” on a window in his own blood.  
Fuyutsuki scowled. “So you’ve noticed too. That man, for some ungodly reason, isn’t listed in any records, public or private. The farthest back we can trace his existence is a policeman walking into an alleyway before that man walks out, wearing his clothes, several minutes later.”  
“There isn’t anyone or anything that saw him enter that alleyway?” Gendo asked, flipping through the stack of reports even faster.  
The grey haired man slowly shook his head, replying “Not even from any of the alley’s other possible entryways. It’s like he appeared out of thin air.”  
Gendo froze for a moment, before saying “I have a matter I must attend to. Thank you for the reports, Fuyutsuki,” and handing the stack of papers back. With that, he briskly walked away from the Sub-Commander.  
“So we had the same thought,” Fuyutsuki mused, as he looked at the leftmost kanji in the photograph, the one that read “Seki”, recalling that it was the character for “red”.  
-R-R-R-  
“A-And then he talked about how he had beaten a man half to death to take his clothes! Like it was nothing to him! Honestly, I’m glad you came when you did, I couldn’t have been safe with that person.”  
“Hey, it was nothing. Don’t even worry about it.” The woman driving the car was Katsuragi Misato, as she herself had introduced. Though she had a habit of driving a bit too quickly for Shinji’s tastes, he was still thankful she didn’t seem to harbor homicidal urges.  
On the contrary, she seemed like a pleasant person to be around. “How was the train ride, by the way?” she asked, as a steep turn started coming up.  
“It was fi-HIIIII-ine, I, I guess. It didn’t get really bumpy or, you know, anything” Shinji replied, interrupted partway through by the screeching tires of the turning vehicle and his own nerves. “Better than the bloody guy, better than the bloody guy...” he kept reminding himself, in an attempt to calm down.  
Turning the wheel back to the center, Misato asked “So... you excited to see your dad? I heard it’s been a while since you two met.”  
“I... have an idea why he wanted me to come. He probably just wants me to do something for him. I don’t see why that should make me excited.” Shinji answered, suddenly very sullen.  
Misato glanced at him as much as driving at high speeds on a winding road would allow. “Well, I’d be lying if I said I disagreed with you. It’s not really a secret how much of a sourpuss your father is.” she laughed, trying to lighten the mood somewhat.  
From how Shinji began to smile, it hadn’t been entirely ineffective. “You can say that aga-OHJEEZLOOKOUT!” Shinji suddenly yelled, pointing ahead of them.  
Misato’s head jerked forward, spotting the large black car that was speeding towards them. With a practiced ease, Misato quickly drove their car as far off to the side as it could go, narrowly avoiding a crash with the larger vehicle.  
“What the hell’s wrong with that guy!?” Misato immediately asked once the car had passed them, indignation dripping from her voice.  
Very quietly, Shinji replied “M-Maybe... he’s a... sourpuss... too?” as he tried to get his voice back after the sudden scare of possibly being run off the road.  
“... pfftHAHAHAHA!” Misato’s laughter proved to be infectious as Shinji started giggling too. “Shinji Ikari, you’re an absolute riot!” Misato laughed, as she started another hair-pin turn that again made Shinji consider how upsetting the bloody “policeman” probably would have been, if they didn’t leave without him.  
-R-R-R-  
The hairy, bloody man in front of him made Detective Kurobe wonder if their officers had all somehow gotten a cold on the same day. According to the report he had gotten, this man was found soon after that giant monster attack wearing Officer Sakomizu’s uniform, yelling about some guy named “Shinji”.  
And before he was brought in, he had beaten five whole officers into the concrete before the sixth had gotten enough hits in that he could manage cuffing him and taking him back to the station. The five downed officers all needed ambulances and emergency room treatments, and the guy that finished the job still walked away with a broken arm and a couple cracked ribs.  
Whoever this guy was, the reports painted a picture of a demon that was nigh-undefeatable.  
Certainly not someone who was facedown on the table, handcuffed and snoring. Apparently he was like this since he entered the building, like some kind of narcoleptic.  
Kurobe sighed and started grabbing the man’s shoulder, trying to shake him awake. “Hey, hey, come on! Wake up!” he shouted as he started snapping his fingers next to the guy’s ears.  
After a few minutes the suspect started to stir. “Ugh... Huh? Where’s... the sun...?” he asked, as drowsy eyes darted around the room.  
“Oh, finally awake, huh? Good, we can get started. Firstly, what the hell were you doing in Officer Sakomizu’s uniform!? We found him beaten and bloody in an alleyway five blocks where you were spotted, were you responsible!?” Kurobe grabbed the man’s collar, shaking him as if that would get him the answers he wanted faster.  
However, the man slowly blinked, and asked “Oh... he was your... best friend? Even... was best man... at your wedding...? Man, that’s such a... wonderful relationship... and I beat him up... I’m sorry...” before yawning.  
Kurobe paled as he stuttered “Wha... H-How’d you-” The handcuffed man interjected “-know how... you knew him...? S’not hard... written all over your... face...” as he started to snore, his eyes closing.  
“What? No, don’t fall asleep on me now! I have questions for you!” Kurobe began slapping the man, trying his damndest to keep this odd stranger awake.  
“C’mon... I’m so tired... Jus’ let me slee...” he began, before Kurobe slammed his head into the table. “No, you don’t get to sleep! We’re not done here! Plus, it’s only an hour after noon! So you’re gonna eat this Katsudon that we got so generously for you, and you’re gonna tell us everything you know, got it!?” he asked, pointing to the bowl of breaded pork cutlets over rice that was next to the suspect’s head’s new resting place on the table.  
Without a word, the man slowly grabbed one of the cooked pieces of pork, and brought it to his mouth. Just as Kurobe remembered the bowl was still piping hot, as well as the fact that there was a pair of cheap wrapped chopsticks right next to the bowl, the odd man yelled “SO GOOD!”  
In an instant, he started grabbing the contents of the fairly large bowl and shoving them into his mouth, even as Kurobe gave a weak objection of “That... there... there’s chopsticks...”  
Soon, the bowl was empty, licked clean, in fact, as the stranger’s beard now had a few grains of rice stuck in it. Almost immediately, Kurobe noticed a change in his attitude, as the man started chattering “Wow, I knew I forgot nearly everything, but I can’t believe I even forgot about food! Especially since you can eat stuff like this if it gets too dark. Honestly, I gotta shape up sometime soon!”  
Kurobe was dumbfounded, but the man continued “But yeah, everything I know, right. So, my name’s Sekishoku Dan, and my best friend’s name is Ikari Shinji...”  
-R-R-R-  
“Then you made me eat that ‘Cutsadone’ thing, which made me not sleepy, and then I told you everything, which made you want to check one last time why I fought all those guys in uniforms, and here we are!” Dan finally finished, looking very pleased with himself.  
Scratching his head, Kurobe looked over his notes and asked “So... you fought all those officers... cause it looked like they were gonna attack you...?” before realizing what he had just said and grumbling about “stupid predictions”.  
Dan nodded and answered “Yup, that’s exactly why. I’m really sorry about that, by the way. I should’ve taken a closer look at your faces, then I’d have realized you weren’t enemies. I should’ve realized a lot of things...” Suddenly, the bearded man’s face took a turn for the remorseful.  
Kurobe’s eyebrow raised as he asked “Something wrong?”  
Dan looked down at the table. “You know how I could see stuff just from looking at you? I think I could see that stuff even when I woke up in the alley, but I just didn’t... register it? Like, I would see stuff but not take it into account. I think I was still sleepy, but my friend, Shinji...”  
His hands clenched into fists. “... he was just so scared of me. And I didn’t do anything to make him feel better. I wish I could apologize.”  
“Congratulations. You’ve surprised me. Not many can claim that.” a new voice exclaimed from behind Kurobe’s chair.  
Instantly, Kurobe stood up “How’d you-!?” The room’s new occupant interrupted “Unimportant. Leave. Now. And turn off that camera.” He pointed a gloved hand towards a corner of the room that indeed had a camera mounted onto the wall.  
Kurobe stared down the efficient yet impolite man and said “I don’t know who you think you are, but this is my suspect, and I’m still interrogati-!” but was cut off by the man holding a piece of paper in front of his face, almost like he was trying to block Kurobe’s face from his vision, and sitting down in the chair Kurobe had stood up from.  
After reading a few lines of the paper’s contents, Kurobe’s face paled and he hurried out of the room. Soon after, the red light on the camera that had been blinking was shut off.  
The man had put himself in a position where his gloved hands were joined in front of his face, hiding his mouth. Coupled with the glare on his sunglasses, it made his face both impossible to read and evocative of a brick wall that would not yield in any situation.  
From the face that Dan was making, the man’s intended reaction of “pants-wetting fear and despair” was achieved. Satisfied. The man asked “Now, what do you know about the red entity that defe-?”  
“He’s your son, isn’t he? Why do you want to hurt him? You love him, I can tell that, so why!? What kind of person would actually plan what you’re planning!? It’s like you’re some... person-sized Kaiju! Who the hell are you!?” The words started spilling out of Dan’s mouth as he tried to back as far away from this man as he could manage in the small interrogation room.  
“... my name is Ikari Gendo, and I-“  
Suddenly Dan’s face stopped being fearful. “Wait, ‘Ikari’? Is... is your son’s name ‘Shinji’?” In fact, his face looked deathly serious.  
“... I wanted to as-“  
In an instant Dan’s cuffed hands grabbed Gendo’s collar as he shouted “If you harm even a single hair on his head I will break your neck! Do you hear me!?” Now unadulterated rage dominated Dan’s face. While intimidating, it wasn’t helped by the rice still stuck in his beard.  
Despite the threat, Gendo cooly replied “So giving him a haircut would make you kill me? Rather draconian, I’d say,” and shoved Dan’s hands away.  
“Now, as I was saying, I wanted to ask you some questions about the red entity that killed the Angel.” Seated pose or no, Gendo was clearly adept at taking control of a conversation.  
Somewhat luckily, this question seemed to distract Dan from his homicidal threats. “Wait, you want to ask me about Redman? Why, doesn’t everyone know about him?”  
Adjusting his glasses with his gloved hand, Gendo replied “Assume I know nothing, and tell me everything you find relevant.”  
“Oh, well, I definitely gotta start by showing you his theme song, it’s literally the best in, like, five universes.” Dan took a deep breath and prepared to start his song.  
“He’s Red, He’s Red, He’s Red,”  
“It’s Him! Redman!”  
“Burning, Burning, Burning,”  
“It’s Him! Redman!”  
“From Planet Red In A Far-Away Galaxy,”  
“He Rode The Light And Arrived Here!”  
“Piercing The Wind, It’s The Red Arrow!”  
“Executing Enemies, It’s The Red Knife!”  
“Red Kick!”  
“Red Chop!”  
“Red Fall...”  
“Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Redman!”  
Gendo’s face struggled to keep its mask of cold ruthlessness from changing into one of befuddled rage. “Nice song. Now, what can you tell me abo-“  
“Hey, I’m not finished! There’s still, like, two or three more verses!”  
Gendo was starting to regret asking this violent manchild anything, or even expecting anything of substance in the first place.  
-R-R-R-  
After about ten minutes of Dan singing, insisting that the repeating parts at the end were essential, and starting over because Gendo “interrupted the song’s flow,” Gendo gotten at least part of the information he wanted.  
Looking over his notes of the info Dan shared, Gendo stated “In short, he can summon these ‘Red Arrows’ and ‘Red Knives’ as much as he wants, and while ‘Red Kick’ and ‘Red Chop’ are self-explanatory, the ‘Red Fall’ is him throwing something or someone down after picking them up, usually off of a... cliff. Am I missing anything?” Gendo was still surprised at both how much and how little the man knew.  
When asked if Redman had any weaknesses, Dan just shouted “Redman’s the strongest, he never loses!” When asked about any non-weaponry based abilities he had, Dan seemed to just make up ones out of nowhere, from fireballs ten times as hot as the sun to cloning. Gendo really had to scrape the bottom of the interrogative barrel to find anything definitive or useful.  
“No, that’s about it. Well, maybe. There could be more, but I don’t really remember. Yet. All that stuff kinda popped into my head when I saw him earlier today.” Dan added, scratching at his beard.  
Satisfied, Gendo folded the notes into a small square that he promptly stored in his uniform’s jacket pocket. “I will think about what we have discussed. Good day to you.” With that, he started to rise from his chair and exit the interrogation room.  
But from how Dan’s hand grabbed his arm, the bearded man wasn’t finished with him. He snarled “Wait just a second! Even if it’s nice to find a fellow Redman fanatic, I haven’t forgotten about how you’re gonna hurt Shinji! I swear, even if they keep me here till the day I die, if I find out you hurt Shinji, I’ll-!”  
“Yes, yes, you’ll break my neck. Or stab me in the heart, perhaps. Maybe even dance on the shallow grave that you’ve dug for my corpse using my skull as a shovel. But what you don’t seem to understand is that you can’t keep him safe as long as you’re in here. And judging by how many officers you assaulted, you won’t be leaving anytime soon. Unless...” Gendo trailed off, his gaze turned elsewhere.  
Dan’s eyebrow raised. “Unless...?”  
Gendo turned back to face Dan. “Hypothetically, if you accept a position at NERV, under my personal command, I could arrange for you to leave this place. You’d get a full pardon, no questions asked. Just follow my orders, and you can protect Shinji from me to your heart’s content.”  
“B-But... you’ll...!” Dan was unsure, his eyes hesitant to meet Gendo’s gaze.  
Gendo’s bespectacled face allowed a smirk to show, as he interjected “I’ll what? Command you to hurt him? I think you can tell I’m not so cruel as to force someone to hurt the one most precious to them. From what I’ve seen from you it should be... what was it? Written on my face, yes, that’s right.”  
The offer was tempting for sure. Dan pondered what decision he should make, staring at the handcuffs still around his wrists.  
Eventually, he asked “... what stuff would you make me do?”  
As he adjusted his glasses, Gendo answered “Nothing major. I’ll point out specific people to you, and I’ll ask you to tell me what you can tell from looking at them. I’ll even give you another position to hide the work you’ll be doing for me.”  
Dan’s face, tightened up in thought, eventually slackened as he sighed “When do I start?”  
-R-R-R-  
“We’ll start soon, just relax for now.” Akagi Ritsuko said, clad in her usual lab coat  
“Will do.” Shinji replied nervously, trying not to focus on how the cockpit the people at NERV put him in had just filled up with what smelled like blood a few minutes ago. Even if he could breathe it without drowning like Doctor Akagi said, it was a fundamentally unsettling experience to continually smell blood.  
Eventually, the surrounding metal walls of the cylindrical cockpit lit up with a spectrum of colors, until they all coalesced into an image of the blank surroundings of the “Evangelion” he was supposed to pilot.  
As the personnel monitoring the test said something about a “Sync Rate” and “41.3%”, Shinji tried to reconcile his previous self-perception as a small person with his current perspective as a giant purple humanoid robot.  
Suddenly, Ritsuko said “Just try moving it for now. It’s linked to your thoughts, so just think of what you want it to do. Whenever you’re ready.”  
When Shinji finally was able to make the Eva move its hands, he was ever so slightly relieved that he was able to pilot it in safe, sterile conditions like this instead of during a fight with the large green monster.  
Before long, they had finished all of the preliminary tests, with all of the personnel overseeing them noting Shinji apparently having a natural knack for piloting. “Maybe this won’t be that bad.” Shinji considered.  
-R-R-R-  
“Hi, Shinji! It’s me! Remember? It looks like we’re neighbors!”  
As he and Misato entered her apartment, bags of food for Shinji’s impromptu “welcome party” in their arms, Shinji stiffened and slowly turned to the apartment door to his left, seeing a familiar person about to enter.  
“H-Hi there... D-Dan.” Shinji forced out, his stomach already feeling sick. Misato gasped “What the... oh my gosh I barely recognized him!”  
Dan chuckled “Yeah, I don’t blame you! That Gendo guy got me all fixed up, after giving me a proper job and all.” Indeed, he was now wearing a black suit characteristic of NERV’s Section 2 agents, only with a red necktie. And if that wasn’t enough, he had gotten a haircut that made his unkempt long hair become a somewhat dorky bowlcut, as well as a shave that completely removed his previous beard. If he didn’t act exactly the same as he did before, Shinji may not have recognized him as quick as he did.  
“A... job?” Shinji asked, starting to sweat.  
Dan’s smile would’ve been infectious as he replied “Yup! Starting today, I’m in charge of keeping you safe, Shinji! I’m your bodyguard! Isn’t that cool? Now we can hang out together all the time!”  
Shinji then fainted.  
-R-R-R-  
TO BE CONTINURED

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that’s chapter one. What did you guys think? I tried to keep people in-character, though I admit I could very easily have failed. I didn’t really have anyone beta-read this... sorry.


End file.
